Unfortunate Coincidences

I know I mentioned synchronicity a coupla weeks ago, but this is more unfortunate type: after admitting I had been watching Hee Haw, i spent a week, off and on, trying to quantify why. and now I find that Buck Owens has passed away. So time to stop massaging and start messaging. Here’s that piece:

So why, one might ask, am I subjecting myself to Hee Haw? That’s a good, a really good question.

Country music was a very large part of my childhood, through no choice of my own. It was inescapable, a constant presence. I recall having a radio that allowed me, as I drifted off to sleep, to pull in rock radio stations from Corpus Christi and later, San Antonio. But in the home of my parents and grandparents, country music radio was always on.

Country music should not be dismissed out of hand, as I had tendency to do in my youth. Sturgeon’s Law – that 95% of everything is crap – certainly holds, but there is much there to like. Hell, even in my staunchest anti-country days I still held Johnny Cash Live at San Quentin close to my heart, along with Marty Robbins gunslinger classics like El Paso and Running Gun. Time-Life put out some discs of “Country Gold” that I tracked down, buying the years germane to my youth, and as the song says, Bob Wills is still the King. Porter Waggoner did some incredibly dark stuff. The list goes on.

In 1970-71 – in a year marked by the deaths of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison – my family moved closer to Houston, where Hell got cranked up a notch, as the UHF station Channel 39 played nothing but country music programs all Saturday evening. The memory is mainly of pompadours and sequins – I wasn’t really watching, I was reading or writing. The whole situation was made much more tolerable by the Austin station that played two horror movies in a row after the late news, under the names Shock and Aftershock (using Black Sabbath’s eponymous song as a theme!) long after everyone else had gone to bed.

So it is no surprise that Hee Haw was a staple in my household. Conceived as a countrified alternative to Rowen & Martin’s Laugh-In, Hee Haw wore that influence rather transparently, though with a devotion to music that was sadly lacking in its NBC inspiration. Hee Haw was more of a variety show than Laugh-In, and it proved to be a powerful mixture; the show ran successfully on CBS for several years, until it was purged during a move to gentrify CBS’ programming. Undaunted, it survived many, many years in syndication.

Watching the premiere episode on Time-Life DVD was an interesting experience; there was the usual bittersweet connection with my younger self, who saw this for the first time while we were still living in south Texas. My older, more cynical self notes that the first musical interlude ever for Hee Haw – besides the theme song – was Johnny B. Goode, complete with go-go dancing, not what one would consider terribly country – but as I mentioned before, Buck Owens rocks. So does Roy Clark, though in a totally different way.

As the two hosts of Hee Haw, Owens and Clark prove absolutely the best, most canny choices; they were accomplished entertainers even before this stage of their career. For instance, there is a section of the show called “Pickin’ and Grinnin'”, which features the two um, pickin’ and grinnin’. Clark on banjo, Owens on guitar, their arms and fingers flashing across their instruments, and pausing every so often to hit us with a bad joke. Like Laugh-In, Hee Haw was the second coming of vaudeville, and most of these jokes were old during that venue; to their credit, though, Owens and Clark sell the whole thing, and look like they find the jokes genuinely funny. That’s acting.

So… much of the material could be found in dog-eared paperbacks in the Humor section of any school library, but there are bits that approach true sublimity. Archie Campbell’s barber sketches – which, as he is credited as a writer, I assume he wrote himself – have a lot of fun with the English language. There’s a continuing bit with an Antebellum Southern gentleman in white linen suit and panama hat, stepping through his front door and saying something that sounds profound but is actually ridiculous, like “The only difference between an intelligent man and a fool is that the intelligent man is a lot smarter.” – and is immediately smacked in the head with a rubber chicken. Though not in and of itself funny, the true humor comes in the resulting rearrangement of wig and hat. Visual humor – describing it never works.

Another continuing piece, “The Culhanes”, is a small masterpiece of absurdity, a soap opera composed of four Hee Haw regulars sitting on a couch and dead-panning their lines directly into the camera.

There are two song-based continuing bits that any denizen of the south of a certain age can belt out letter-perfect; for lack of any other name, these would be called “Where, O Where Are You Tonight?” and “Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me”. To my dismay, though the former is on display in great numbers in this premiere episode, the latter was apparently a later addition.

The music was a mixed bag, with Owens and Clarke turning in the strongest performances; Charlie Pride (making his national TV debut) sang two Hank Williams songs well, and Loretta Lynn, sadly, does only one forgettable song. Sheb Wooley’s in there, doing a parody of “Hello Wall”, and I find the youth-bait duo The Hagers’ “Gamblin’ Man” once again stuck in my head, just as it was way back when. Grandpa Jones does a song about liking banjo music, and it is great – Jones is another entertainer I had underestimated.

So that’s why I was watching Hee Haw. Ball’s in your court, Spiro.

And back to me in the present tense saying, rest in peace, Buck – you done good.

Zen and the Couch Potato: No Real Difference

I just had an unfortunate five-day weekend in which I did absolutely nothing, and rejoiced in the doing. Oh, I did some grocery shopping, and some reading, and got some levels in City of Heroes. But not much which could be regarded, in the main, as worthwhile. Why unfortunate, you may ask, outside the fact that I did not use that time to write the great American novel? Mainly, I was not paid for that time off. Next paycheck will be small, blue, and gasping for air.

Alone in the house, I set my surround system back up (disrupted by wifely reconstruction of the living room arrangement as “I’m so tired of this I could scream!”) and watched all three of the Matrix movies way too loud. A lot of the music on QPCR comes from these movies, and it was interesting to once more hear that in its original context. Oh, and I finally watched Serenity.

You shouldn’t be surprised it took me this long; it just hit the pre-viewed disc racks. I never got into Firefly because, at the time, I was working Friday evenings. I managed to get in a couple of episodes before it was cancelled, one of which caused me to go, hm, interesting, and another which made me go meh. Serenity, though, I really enjoyed; Joss Whedon did an excellent job of filling the newbs in on what was going on in the universe, and I really have to take my hat off to all the FX houses that worked on the digital scenes – spaceships in the cold void are not so hard, making them look real in an atmosphere – that’s tricky, and they did it very, very well.

That, and I drool uncontrollably whenever I see Gina Torres. Sigh…

I also watched the premiere episode of Hee Haw. Because I could. And because Buck Owens rocks. But that… is a rumination for another time.

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…

Okay, so I took stock of yesterday (my day off). And totaled up six extra hours of sleep. Six. That’s

• Two hours extra sleep while the Power Pug Princess muttered and snorted outside the bed room door.
• A three hour nap when exhaustion overtook me in the afternoon
• Going to bed an hour early.

I may never get anything done ever again.

Not entirely true. I did pay bills, go to the grocery store, and cook dinner.

Being an adult sucks.

But we knew that.

Also not entirely true, in the larger sense. Last Friday I had the pleasure of being that hour’s guest on Winnipeg Manitoba’s CJOB late night talk show, Nighthawk, when the subject was horror movies. Mostly I got to talk with host Geoff Currier until my head rattled, a few folks called in (and two nominated Pet Sematary as their fave, that was a surprise), and was sad to find the hour had ended so quickly. Geoff showed himself to be a Person of Superior Taste when he agreed with me that Videodrome and Eraserhead were two of the finest horror films of the 20th Century. Geoff said he hoped to hook up again, and I look forward to the opportunity.

Odd thing is, I likely owe that honor to something that has been a particular thorn in my side for some time. There is a section in my horribly torpid (heavy sigh) website, The Bad Movie Report, called The World’s Top 100 Horror Movies? This was a list some guy put together when the AFI was doing their “100 Greatest Movies of All Time” celebration. This fellow – his name and original website lost to antiquity – did an informal Web survey, and the resulting list was a terribly askew concoction. My page is a critique of that list and the taste of the people who had bothered to vote.

Not that you would know from the mail I get.

Somebody finds that page every three or four months, and posts it to a message board somewhere. I know this to be a case because I suddenly get a surge of e-mails informing me that I am an idiot and I really should know more about horror movies before I attempt to so a Website about them. This resulted in a box at the top of the list disclaiming any ownership the list, over and above what was already there in the preamble and subsequent commentary – not that this seemed to matter. My responses to these mails has, therefore, gotten more and more abrupt and acidic as time goes by.

But every time I make up my mind to delete the page, an opportunity like the radio show crops up to massage my ego. SO it looks like I had just better get used to being called an idiot. You’d think that, as I approach the half-century mark, I would already be used to that.

And you’d be wrong. Idiot.

Correction…

After posting, I did check out the second episode of Surface. Still don’t like it. My main point of contention is I can’t stand the characters. Being stuck in a room with any of the majors would result in my chewing through the walls just to get away.

The monsters are cool. And the last two episodes have had the best endings I’ve seen in some time (they at least got that part of the Lost equation right).

I can’t believe they had the cojones to rip off Ray Bradbury’s “The Lighthouse”, either. (Did I even get the name of that story right? SO tired….)

DOOOOOOOOOM! Part 2

When I got up this morning, Rita was pointed at Galveston. Now, at nearly noon, it’s pointed at Beaumont. Well, both of those were actually pretty good news for me, since they both put my forty acres and a mule on the “clean” side of the storm, and if it continues its current drift, impact will be minimal around here. Sadly, this is, of course, at the expense of others. Equally, of course, these damned things are unpredictable, and it could conceivably hit the coast, yell “PSYCHE!” and turn toward me. Specifically, me. Cuz that’s the way my luck seems to run.

Nonetheless, seeing endless video footage of cars inching (if moving at all) on local highways just seems to support my decision to stay put. My neighbor across the street, who’s lived there for thirty years, cut out this morning, and told us his son left at 9PM last night to travel a couple of hundred miles inland. Twelve hours later, he still had not arrived.

I may be without power this weekend (if a sparrow farts in my neighborhood, power goes out) – and during my last encounter with a hurricane hit, Alicia, power was out for over a week – but I can imagine the sinking feeling of those people stuck in that gridlock – the sure, helpless feeling that they are going to be riding out a hurricane in their car. The horror of that gas tank slowly being drained.

It’s like the opening twenty minutes of The Day After out there.

Speaking of TV sci-fi, let’s go over this quickly:

Lost continues to be the show that surprises me over and over again. one of the few times each week I can say “Well… I didn’t see that coming.”

Threshold premiered last Friday on CBS, and holds the most promise for me, with some solid concepts (three-dimensional distortions of four-dimensional objects is one of my favorites) and more than a little mystery about exactly what is going on. If there is a flaw, it’s that our cast of main characters seems a little too willfully eccentric. But I will be tuning in again.

Surface had the standard hour debut instead of the doubled-up two-hour slot Threshold enjoyed, so it hasn’t laid all its cards on the table. Its main problem, as pointed out by the Time magazine critic, is the fact that it’s strip-mining Spielberg movies for its characters and set-ups. Kid hiding an extraterrestial in his home? Check. Working class guy who has extraordinary experience but no one will believe him? Check. Annoying moppet? Check. Something scary in the water? Check. Disturbingly, our government-sponsored bad guys are either expressly foreign or just look foreign, so a lot of bet-hedging is going on here. I’ll watch another episode just to see where they’re going with this, but they’re on probation.

Invasion had a tougher row to hoe for me, since it opens in a bloody hurricane and frankly, right now, I’m hurricaned out. But I knew that going in (and they even announced it before running the first episode), still… Damn it, I want to like this show, I’ve liked Shaun Cassidy’s other shows, and this one is equally well-done…

But I’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I’ve seen it done three separate ways. I don’t need to see it again. I likely won’t be following this one.

It’s the cost-effective “the aliens are us” approach that has likely ensured these shows’ production and will equally likely kill them for me (Surface’s preview seemed to indicate it might be headed that way). Threshold is handling it a little more expansively than Invasion, but so far none of them is compelling me to tune in again and again every week for the foreseeable future.

Now, back to preparations. Stay safe, everyone.

Too Damn Hot to Blog

I remember once being told that air conditioning can only hope to lower the temperature inside a structure by twenty degrees. In my very dim home office (my Bat Cave, if you will) I manage to cheat that down to thirty, by dint of insulation, ceiling fan, and simply not moving. The point is, with temps topping 100 degrees – and that’s without the heat index, which adds our sizable humidity into the formula – I’m still wondering why I live here.

Oh, that’s right. I can’t afford to move.

Ah, well. Life can’t be too easy, or we’d have nothing to talk about.

Visited my parents over the weekend; it had been a couple of months since they’d gotten to spoil their grandson or grandpug. This was the cue for my wife and mother to head out and shop the resale stores. After thirty-some-odd years of living in an almost exclusively male household, my mother is very happy to have another woman around.

For my part, I eventually sneaked out to the local Half-Price Books – I’ve managed to empty the local stores of any interesting material – and spent way too damn much money. Picked up some more Preston & Child blockbusters, mainly to convince myself that good gravy, I could write this. A few comic trade paperbacks. And – the topper, a thick art book entitled Men’s Adventure Magazines.

Written in three different languages – English, French and German – by contributors like Max Allen Collins, the book traces the history of men’s magazines of the 40s through the late 60s. A combination of pulp, graphic exposes (with often bloody photos unprintable in the major media) and skin, these magazines were a pervasive presence through my youth. Titles like Stag, Men, Men’s Adventure, Cavalier… I don’t think Manly Man was a title, but it should have been.

These magazines featured hyperbolic, often salacious painted covers, which were almost always so overwrought as to be humorous. These form the bulk of the book, and the major reason I bought it. I’m sure we all remember studying about the part of World War II when scantily clad French hookers machine-gunned an entire Nazi platoon. Surely, that is in there, somewhere.

It’s too much of a good thing, and I find myself drinking it in by portions. My favorite part of the book thus far – and it is arranged by themes – is “Animal Attacks”. I had no idea that the phrase “Weasels Ripped My Flesh” originated on the cover of a man’s magazine – but there it is, with the cover art to match. Add to the mix of b-movie horrors detailed within this chapter attacks by vicious swarms of flying squirrels and spider monkeys. I had no idea snapping turtles traveled in herds.

And that’s before we even get to the subjects of female pirates and SS sex slaves.

How did these become such a big part of my youth? Besides the obvious, the copies owned by my father and grandfather, never very well hidden at all?

Simply, these mags were on display in stores, right next to Ladies’ Home Journal and Life. Newstands didn’t make much of an effort to conceal them, and as they often wound up next to Famous Monsters or Vampirella, I always found these magazines in my searches. Did these magazines, heavy on the violence and bondage imagery, at all affect my development into what I am today?

Jeez, it’s too hot for weighty ruminations like that, too. I’ll just close by mentioning that the magazine slang for these items was the “sweats”, which seems wholly appropriate, both in subject matter and the time of year in which I’m reading about them. Time to get that scanner talking to the new computer, I’m thinkin’.

Mad Monkeys Manned the Lifeboats!

(That image courtesy Men’s Adventure Magazines)

Jeepers

In the midst of all the drama and schadenfreude, I forgot to mention that I managed to pen reviews for Alone in the Dark and H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds.

Then again, given the quality of these flicks, that may not be such a surprising thing.

Life Goes On (Long After the Thrill, etc., etc.)

The kittens continue in their bid to take over the household; they now have full run over 3/4 of the house, with only the occasional “accident”. No, that is the province of the older animals, who have taken to expressing their jealousy in the best way they know to get a rise out of us: crapping in unsanctioned areas.

I am happy to report, however, that the Power Pug Princess has learned to be gentle while playing with the new additions, and it’s actually rather fun to watch the kitties chase her from room to room. Until she forgets herself and drops back into bulldog wrasslin’ mode, anyway.

I didn’t mention that I finished Jeff Lindsay’s Darkly Dreaming Dexter – yes, it ended up the way I’d figured, but that didn’t stop it from being a fun read. Still feeling slightly guilty because I’m not reading to improve my mind, I’m now in the throes of Douglas Preston & Lincoln Childs’ latest, Brimstone. I wasn’t sure if I’d get into it, at first – after the immersive playfulness of Lindsay’s novel, the style of Brimstone seemed rather dry, but it has turned out to be a page-turner of the highest order, the type of book I actively resent having to put down to work, eat and sleep.

The first chapter helps a lot, with the discovery of a locked room murder mystery: the victim has barricaded himself inside a windowless bedroom, and is discovered with a look of total horror and agony on his face, a goodly portion of his chest burned away, and scorched into the carpet at the foot of the bed: a single cloven hoofprint.

I am, of course, interested in checking out more by this writing team after I finish this one, especially since the events in past books are referred to often enough to make them intriguing. It turns out these are the guys who wrote Relic, which was turned into a typically bland Peter Hyams movie. (I will say, however that the casting of Tom Sizemore as NYPD detective Vincent D’Agosta is brilliant) Like a lot of horror novels that glutted the market post-Exorcist or Omen, I ignored that one. Now I’m trying to track down a used copy.

Bought my tickets to Revenge of the Sith yesterday. My son is far more excited to see it than I. O, to what a pass we have come!

Flipping the Calendar

…is something I still haven’t gotten around to doing. The month of April passed by so quickly (much of it lost, probably, to the painkilling drugs after the reaming tax time inflicted upon me) that I feel I have not had time to truly appreciate A Bold Bluff, April’s offering in my Dogs Playing Poker calendar.

Usually I can manage to find a calendar more in keeping with my, um, refined tastes, but not this year. No, the closest I could come is kitsch. Such is life.

Ah- this month is Post Mortem, a sort-of follow-up to A Bold Bluff, just with fewer dogs. They are, alas, not holding cards but some sort of soda cracker or biscuit, which totally violates the Dogs Playing Poker agreement under which I bought the calendar. I’d sue, if I had the time.

The B-Fest Diaries, Part Two

So after unloading two vans worth of food and sleeping supplies, it was decided to leave “The Gimp” (ie, me) in charge of guard duty while the vans were put away, bathrooms were visited, and it was determined if the downstairs cafeteria still had that same damned Tekken 4 machine. Before too long, my little supply depot was beset by the hordes from the B-Movie Message Board; I greeted familiar faces and met some new ones, like another B-Master whom I’d not yet met in fleshspace, Scott Ashlin, aka El Santo of 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting. I knew it was Scott before he even spoke up; Somehow I knew the fella in black leather and spikes was him. I should also mention his companion, Elizabeth, a young lady who, upon hearing about last year’s B-Fest asked, “Why didn’t you take me?” Gibble-gobble, one of us.

I also wound up signing several copies of the new Forever Evil DVD. Chad Plambeck of 3-B(eer) Theater had to outdo everyone by producing an old rental copy of the VHS – looked like the original 1987 edition, too.

We were allowed to packmule the stuff into the auditorium and stake out claims on our seat and a half (Nameless Ray Schaff of the BMMB and I shared a chair between us for our incidental crap – it’s spacing like that which makes the ordeal liveable and practical). Then we took over an ever-broadening swath of the downstairs commons to chat while waiting for the doors to officially open.

The location of this table was purely accidental – I had been polluting my coffee, only recently purchased from Willie’s Too in the basement, chatting with… someone. More people joined us, we sat at the table nearest the condiment station, and it just sort of grew from there. This grouping was also underneath a TV, and I think people started to resent our talking over their episode of Pokemon. You think I’m kidding? I watched one of the student workers, pushing a cart around and cleaning the tables, stop in her duties to watch Pikachu kick some Team Rocket butt.

The doors eventually opened, and we filed in. Wonder of wonders, this year the Powers That Be had ordered ten – ten – t-shirts in XXL, which meant that I could actually get one to wear (I usually buy one for my wife, who is small enough to fit in the usual student-sized shirts on display). Luckily Ken Begg was further along in line than myself and glommed an extra huge shirt for me, so I wouldn’t miss out. I’m wearing it now, and may not ever take it off.

Time for go to B!

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

Moved up in the order, when the original opener, Island of Terror, proved to be unavailable, which is fine – I may not have gotten to use my “boneless ham” line, but it is one of my favorite monster movies, and the first movie is never heard, as a geek pecking order is established by dint of shouted bon mots. EVFS is perfect, then, because the visuals are pretty strong, and it’s a movie most of us could write in our sleep. The plot? The plot’s all in the title, baby!

Oh yeah, Earth wins.

What I Learned: Aliens communicate with lesser beings by means of an enormous disco cauliflower.

THE APPLE

I’d never seen The Apple; all my life, it seems, I’ve been told how direly bad it is. Apparently, opening weekend audiences were given complimentary copies of the soundtrack album, and the movie screens were damaged by the records being hurled at it. I can now say that each and every negative review I’ve ever read of the movie (and some not-so-negative) was likely written by some poor soul who was watching this thing alone in his or her own home, and yes, under those circumstances, this is a recipe for a dark night of the soul.

But in an auditorium full of people buzzed on caffeine and their own creativity, and a taste, if not a positive thirst, for the absurd, this was a terrifically fun experience. This is also the second movie I wound up buying upon my return. Sponsored by the Soylent Green Party, they distributed lyric sheets throughout the experience.

The plot? It’s a biblical allegory taking place in the far-flung future of 1994, done up in glam rock and production numbers only slightly more tasteful than the ones in Cafe Flesh. That’s all you need to know. Oh, and Joss Ackland is God. And he drives a flying gold Cadillac.

What I Learned: Matronly Jewish landladies don’t mind if you come up behind them and fondle their breasts.

MASCULINE OR FEMININE: YOUR ROLE IN SOCIETY

A short film from the early 60s about genderism, as male and female alike hold forth on what they consider to be each sex’s place in the scheme of things. Keep in mind this is the early 60s we’re talking about – there’s some proto-feminism on display here, but not much. A poster behind an interviewed pastor references 2 Timothy 2:15, which turns out to be “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.” Symbolism… or synchronicity?

What I Learned: a female voice from behind me: “What we really need to watch out for is the anti-feminist rhetoric from women.” Tru dat.

THE SWARM

A swarm of killer bees, whipped up to a lather by a punk kid, go on a killing rampage. The star power in this disaster flick, which definitely shows Irwin Allen on the wane, is considerable. Most puzzling, in a puzzling movie, is the love triangle between Ben Johnson, Fred MacMurray, and Olivia de Havilland; Disaster Movie Formula demands that she die in the resulting train wreck (I’m talking about a literal train wreck, not just the movie), leaving the two men to stew in their tragic regret, or one man to give his life that the other two might live in equally tragic regret. But no, the script is tired of them, so they all die. Bye bye, tiresome subplot! Sorry we spent so much screen time on you!

There is so much here, I can only direct you to Ken’s review, linked above. Houston gets it in the neck again, but this time we don’t get nuked, just burned with flamethrowers. The Swarm is actually like a Rosetta Stone of b-movies – the isolation-suited soldiers in the beginning echoes The Crazies, Henry Fonda’s recording of symptoms as he injects himself with a new anti-bee toxin is straight from The Killer Shrews, and if you’ve seen Beginning of the End, there’s no need to watch the end of The Swarm. Unless you’re Nameless Ray, in which case at the end of The Swarm, you run up on the stage with a rubber chicken to roast it in the fireball that consumes the title menace.

What I Learned: there’s a mountain range seventy miles northwest of Houston. I had no idea.

To Be Continued.