The Son of Bad Movie Report

It feels so much better to be typing on a full keyboard again. That tiny Anker bluetooth keyboard I use with the iPad mini on the road is nice to have in a pinch – but it’s surprisingly slow, even given my middling typing speed. I’m happier using it to edit a post already largely written, not creating from scratch. So now that I’m back in my comfort zone in many ways, let’s see if I can recall what I meant to write about but didn’t in my post-lengthy-drive haze.

The first thing will be best prefaced by what happened after my return, namely this tweet:

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Yeah, this is the sort of insipid crap I put up on my Twitter, and probably the reason I will never have a Patreon. This was followed by the equally risible

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Mort knows better, of course, but this is how Internet rumors get started, so I’d better quash this before I find myself in some sort of faux Joan/Christina kerfuffle. Of course he knows about Forever Evil. He grew up in a house with a framed movie poster in his living room. He’s just never seen it, probably at his mother’s insistence more than mine. I think she was trying to cover his eyes during the scary parts of movies up into his teens.

But he’s 18 now, and can watch whatever he wants. To his credit, he asked to watch The Seven Samurai before heading out to college last summer. But then, while he was home this Christmas, he let slip that this existed. And Ol’ Dad still knows a thing or two about finding stuff on the Interwebs:

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Truthfully, I would expect no less from my son. Except that right after the slip, he mentioned “Some Mexican movie with a werewolf” and I asked if it starred Lon Chaney Jr. and he replied “I don’t really know actors” and I disowned him. Also, he seems to be unattracted to kung fu movies, so there is obviously no relation to me whatsoever.

Well, I couldn’t let this guy claiming to be my son go back to college with just his Christmas swag (which was considerable), so I burned him a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special to inflict on his friends. Then I realized I had been given a ton of blank DVDs in spite of the fact that I don’t use them a heck of a lot anymore, and a lot of burning of horrific stuff in my collection ensued. I felt this was a necessary thing for the son of the guy who used to write The Bad Movie Report. So I had apparently forgiven him his transgressions by that point.

The only thing he specifically asked for was Theodore Rex – for which I will eternally blame Chris Holland. Max used to be able to use YouTube to torment people with it, but benevolent powers the forces of evil scrubbed it from there and practically everywhere else on the Interwebs. But as I said, Dad is pretty good at finding stuff. In case you’ve been lucky enough to miss the most expensive movie ever to be released straight to video:

That was the point at which things started getting crazy, because I realized the kid only thinks he’s seen bad. So Science Crazed and Things went into the box, as did our new pal The Rider of the Skulls. There was a whole substratum of bad kiddie movies he had not experienced – Red Riding Hood and the Monsters, the New Orleans Worst Film Festival “favorite”, Seven Dwarfs to the Rescue (which Krull totally ripped off, in my estimation) (well, except for this scene:)

And I found a copy of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny at archive.org, God help us all. That’s like finding a rusty nail-festooned ball of plutonium nestled among dog-eared copies of Architecture Today. I had been asked if I was doing the RiffTrax version of it and The Holiday Special, but no. 2016 had made me hard. If these kids are ever going to survive, they have to learn to build their own riffs, like me and mine used to do back in the day, begorrah.

And yes, I also made sure he had his own copy of Forever Evil, making sure it also had the audio commentary made by myself and director Roger Evans. I did this in the spirit of hoping he learns from my mistakes, and does not try to duplicate them.

I’ve tried to continue past that last sentence, but the result is lacking; it seems a perfect sentiment to end upon. A hopeful thought for this New Year, despite all my suspicions to the contrary. Happy New Year to all, and be excellent to each other.

And please God, let those movies be the worst thing that happens to my boy this year.

9 Comments

  1. Wait, stop the car (car flies off cliff anyway, exploding like in a 70’s TV movie)… you worked on Forever Evil? Well, that explains a lot. Your kid will be safe as long as he holes up with as many movies as possible. Get with the burning, man.

    You may want to update the Wikipedia ans IMDB pages for FE, though. I’ve only seen FE once (very long ago), but it was… memorable. Ooh, and I see it’s on DVD, too.

    • It’s even worse than just “working on”. I freakin’ wrote it. It was… an educational experience. Pity I never really got to use what I learned. Sold the next two screenplays I wrote, and neither has gotten produced. Sad, because they were much better.

      My claim to fame.

      There was a special edition 2 DVD set where one version – the original director’s cut – had an audio commentary track from myself and the director, so I at least got to scratch one item off the ol’ Bucket List.

      • Oh, I did enough quick homework to know you wrote it, but I just wasn’t sure you wanted to be reminded. Then again, you did note you had the poster on a wall there, right?

        Yep, I have my eyeball on that 2-disc set, so it’s getting bought shortly.

      • Well, whenever I’m asked to autograph a copy, I always write “I’M SORRY!” above my scrawl. So I’M SORRY! in advance.

  2. That is just a whole fraggin dumptruck load of Orsome My Ole bud n blud! Max should be Forever Grateful .. once he has had time to digest your Gift
    You know by now .30 years ago you were knee deep in it and I was headed thataway….

  3. You’re awesome, sir. Tell your son that he has the best student job there is!

    • He thinks so, yes. And I tend to agree.

      • Just watch out, or you could end up being the father of a librarian!

      • There’s worse. I’d prefer he be a plumber. Anything but an actor!


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