Well Now

Well wellWarning, as Neil Gaiman says: contains me.

This has been probably the most profound bout of jet black depression I’ve experienced since my checkered career as a college student. That new prescription for an anti-depressant was very well-timed, it seems, because this time I was actually able to get out of bed and force myself to, you know, do things. Well, some things, anyway.

I stayed off social media for a week. Then started dipping my toe in. The first day I made it five minutes before I had to turn off that particular faucet of despair. That period has gotten a little longer every day. I’m almost up to an hour now, and the flavor runs more toward anger, and then I have to turn off the faucet again.

I live and work in one of the counties that actually turned Texas blue for a few minutes, and I’ve found the best thing has been to be out among people, which is exactly the polar opposite of those dark college days. Well, perhaps not that opposite, but these days I’m a whole lot better equipped to consider that as an option. We’re all being pretty nice to each other. A succession of four people on the campus going through a door, each holding it open for the person behind them, and each thanking the person for doing so was a balm for a very bruised soul, far beyond such a seemingly simple act.

It made it feel a bit less like living in enemy territory.

No, it’s when you’re alone that things get bad, which is a hell of a thing when you’ve been cultivating a reputation as a solitary person for most of your life. I watched a movie last night for the first time in those two weeks, and maybe that will finally shake loose the article I’ve been trying to write for the same period, which has gotten no further than the first line I stare at for far too long. A first line which sounds increasingly like a suicide note, the more chronal distance I put between myself and its writing.

So obviously the first thing to do is delete that line. Delete it forever.

I haven’t entirely been ignoring the blog. I spent a significant portion of those two weeks repairing five years worth of dead YouTube links. I’ll be bold and say, you’re welcome! and even pretend that someone besides me has any interest in what I said years ago. Maybe the links will last more than a week this time. (Of course, one of the side-effects of that little exercise was getting heartily sick of the sound of my own voice, as it were)

So take heart; I’m certainly trying to.

Next time, let’s talk about some movies.

 

5 Comments

  1. Yeah, stay off of/limit social media or just lop off posts related to news and people who spread that nonsense, as much of it is shitty and false. The reality is worse, but hopefully the legal side will come in and deliver some crushing reality to the folks trying too damn hard to go over that hurdle.

    I’ve been less depressed and more increasingly annoyed since things went south. Be aware that the crap coming probably won’t last as long as some want it to. A lot of insanity is going to go on, though. I’m way behind in movies myself, but that’s also thanks to seeing messages in a few I’d love to tie into the current state of things, but deciding not to because it’s wiser to save those comparisons for conversations with people who don’t need stuff explained to them.

    • it’s wiser to save those comparisons for conversations with people who don’t need stuff explained to them.

      And easier on your blood pressure.

      I miss the days when I could watch a movie like Seven Days in May unironically.

      I also wish to see a newspaper with the headline YOU STUPID SONS OF BITCHES.

      Though I also admit that is probably a poor business model.

      • Oddly or not so oddly enough, that negative headline business model sure worked for The Man Who Would Be King Orange Julius Caesar, ugh. Anyway, mister, people like you, me and others who do what we do are going to be needed, as Joe noted. This is not going to be a fun period on a few fronts, but we’ll live through it just to spite the ones who want us to shut up and roll with the punches.

        I’ve noticed TCM has been not so subtly running a few films such as Seven Days…, Dr. Strangelove, The Candidate, A Face in the Crowd and so forth and so on. Good on them for using that library so well.

  2. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I don’t. But I will say this; What you write, what you share, it does make a difference. I hit your page every day because I enjoy and value your taste and commentary on movies and also because I can appreciate and (in a small way) share your existential pain in the sad reality we are experiencing. The only thing that works for me is to thing of the good things in my life: my amazing wife, my kids, and my dog. Be brave my friend, and know that somewhere beyond the horizon are better days.

    • Thank you, Joe. It’s always lovely to hear from you.


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