I’m old (as if you needed confirmation)

No classic of cinema last night. Banacek.

I discovered the budget-priced season sets for Banacek some months ago, each with the “TV Guide” logo. One for each season. I first stumbled on the second season, then later started looking for the first… so I’ve watched the seasons backward, too. I finally started the first season last night.

I remember watching most of the NBC Mystery Movies with variable interest. I don’t remember much about McCloud or McMillan and Wife, but I do remember Banacek and Hec Ramsey, which starred an exceptionally grizzled Richard Boone as an old west lawman who utilized then-newborn methods of criminology, including the Bertillion Method… identifying people by the shapes of their ears.

But Banacek… ah, he was my favorite. Not only was George Peppard playing the coolest man alive (had James Coburn played the role, it would have reached a level of coolness that would have caused atoms to split), but he investigated impossible crimes.

For instance: last night I watched “Let’s Hear It For A Living Legend”, in which a star NFL running back is tackled, buried under a pile-up of opposing team members, and when the players get up – the running back is gone, leaving only his helmet.

As a freelance insurance investigator, it was always Banacek’s job to figure how incredible things like that were accomplished, and half the fun was trying to figure it out before he did – though admittedly, the first time I did back in the early 70s, it really killed the rest of the episode for me. In fact, I never saw the whole episode until I watched the Season Two set.

My first viewing of these is far enough in the past that I am occasionally surprised, though I note with a bit of satisfaction that in those instances, there’s usually one part of the solution that stretches reality.

The other part of the fun is watching the writers try to deal with the early 70s. Banacek is definitely a lady’s man – suave, secure, and as I mentioned before, sooooo cool. Women repeatedly throw themselves at him, and I can imagine the scribes at their manual typewriters, thanking God for Women’s Lib, so they didn’t have to be subtle with it – they’re liberated, they can be brazen about it. Or at least as brazen as TV would allow the hussies to be!

And my word, the B-movie greats that have made guest appearances. Scott Brady, Martin Koslek, Anne Francis, Candy Clark, Don Stroud, Eric Braedon, Cesar Romero, Don Gordon, Andrew Prine, Sterling Hayden, John Saxon…. and that was just season two. Apparently I have Margot Kidder, Ted Cassidy and Broderick Crawford ahead of me.

Man, seek and YouTube shall find:

On the other hand, I can’t get into Matlock, so maybe I’m not that old.

Filmnerd Attack, Film at 11

After Return of the King, I found myself unable to face another 3 1/2 hour plus movie; apparently I’m getting old. Luckily, Seven Samurai comes with a pre-planned, even necessary intermission, which provides a good place to break for the night and return for the second half.

As I said earlier, I think it’s been five years or more since I’ve watched Seven Samurai, extraordinary enough as it’s a movie I’ve singled out for most of my life as not only my favorite, but also my choice for Greatest Movie Ever Made. Some will agree, some won’t, but most film freaks will at least place it in the top ten.

When my family moved to Bryan, Texas in the early 70s and I started discovering the marvels of PBS, Seven Samurai was one of the first subtitled foreign films I’d ever seen. As I recall, the year previous I had been captivated by a series showing classics of the silent screen, which showed Orphans of the Storm, The Thief of Baghdad and Hunchback of Notre Dame. The next year was World Cinema, and I was exposed to Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, M, and Grand Illusion. Educational channel, indeed.

Back in the 80s, Houston’s River Oaks Theater was still a single-screen repertory house, given to themed double features; it broke with its usual two-and-three day runs to give over two weeks to Seven Samurai, and I was there four or five times, each time dragging a new person with me.

I was one of those guys with a laserdic player. I still have the laserdiscs, in fact. First one I bought? You guessed it. Criterion Collection, too, though I didn’t go for the ultra-deluxe CAV version with the $99.99 price tag.

My Criterion DVD went for a third of that. Ah, these times, these times.

This latest viewing brought home to me just how spoiled I have become. Criterion tracks down the best elements it can for its discs, but this print could really use some clean-up. Even more churlishly, I miss the old subtitles of the Janus print I saw in the 70s and the 80s, even though they had at least one subtitle in a disastrously wrong place. The translation was more formal, but…

Okay, best example. The Samurai and the villagers are preparing for the final battle with the bandits. In the town square, Kikuchiyo (Toshiro Mifune), the false samurai who has finally been accepted by the others, is sticking all the swords taken from dead bandits into the central mound. The day before, his recklessness led to the death of several villagers and one of the samurai. When asked what he is doing, Kikuchiyo replies – in the 70s – “Today I must kill many.”

Today, he replies, “Can’t kill a lot with just one sword!”

Both work. The more modern version actually sounds like the Kikuchiyo we’ve seen all through the movie – bluff, sarcastic, trying too hard. The old version, though spoke reams about an essential change in the character, finally taking responsibility and a desire for atonement.

What a minor, minor cavil, though. There is a reason this movie is considered a classic, and why it keeps getting ripped off. I hear there is a remake in the works. The Magnificent Seven, Battle Beyond the Stars and A Bug’s Life (and, yes, Message from Space) at least had the decency to place the conceit in different venues, thus proving its viability and durability. A remake… well, insert all the Internet cliches you usually see at these junctures, ’cause I ain’t gonna be watching it, and I’m not going to waste any time coming up with a semi-clever version of “this is going to suck”.

Then, it would almost certainly have to be better than:

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Now playing: Siouxsie & The Banshees – Slowdive
via FoxyTunes

Blog, Monkey, BLOG!

Well, there’s not much else going on with my life right now, so I might as well.

The job search continues. Much as I’d like to say I’m looking for work 24/7, that’s just not possible, or maybe even sane. I’m starting to get “You have already applied for this position” messages, not to mention entrepreneurial spam in my inbox.

Not having to get up at the crack of dawn has some benefits. I’ve returned to my movie-before-bedtime habit of yore. This does not, alas, mean I’ve watched anything new or exciting. No, it means I’ve revisited some time-consuming stuff I’ve been meaning to for ages. Just finished up the extended versions of the Peter Jackson-directed Lord of the Rings last night. My lord, but Return of the King is a loooong movie. Still loved it.

Viewing them in the course of three days was enlightening. I picked up on a lot of stuff I could not have in a theater, each a year apart, or on DVD, released on pretty much the same schedule. Awesome stuff. Sadly, it also reminds me of how much I wanted to love Jackson’s version of King Kong, but could not. Maybe it’s time to revisit that, as well. But not tonight. Tonight… well, it’s been too damn long since I last watched The Seven Samurai.

In other time-wasting news: Back when I thought everything was hunky-dory, I bought myself a used Nintendo DS. Used, for the price, and not refurbished, because only the DS Lite was available refurbished (and at a price only $20 lower than a new DS Lite, at that). I prefer the size and heft of the original unit.

I had gotten to play a bit on a DS back when I bought one for my son for his birthday, back during the original launch. He’s been through two to date. He keeps losing/getting them stolen, so he and his hoodlum friends are coming nowhere near this one.

The purchase was spurred by one game, which got a mention in the Penny Arcade blog, called Etrian Odyssey II. First person dungeon crawl on the top screen, and virtual graph paper on the bottom screen so you can draw your own fucking map. One forum post said, “Looks okay if you like old school.” Well, it’s absolutely perfect if you are old school.

Turn-based combat, which I prefer. Another complains that you don’t get to see your party. Again old school. Given that your party portraits are mainly anime-style urchins, I find this a blessing.

Since it’s going to be a while before I can afford the DS port of Final Fantasy IV, this is a fine substitute, and I’m really enjoying it.

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Now playing: 20 – The Little Boy Blues – Mr Tripp wouldn’t listen
via FoxyTunes

While you’re making other plans

When last we left our hero, he had just finished a very nice production of Dracula, and felt better of himself in every way. Could a return to the theater be possible? Was life looking up? Would he stop hating his job?

Well… no.

In fact, just after Christmas, we lost our third dental assistant in a year and a half. I pitched in where I could, while the doctor ruminated. Then he told me that the woman I had replaced back in 2005 did front and back office work, and he paid her commensurately. Would that interest me?

Well. More money is always good.

The combo duties were tiring, to be sure. I was in constant motion and constantly re-prioritizing. With only two operatories, each had to be cleaned after use. I found I got a lot more job satisfaction out of sterilizing instruments than I did making appointments and arguing with insurance companies. No surprise there.

But it made the job wear on me even more. The B and C priorities had a way of stacking up, and when the summer craziness hit – and it always does in the healthcare biz, apparently – things were getting punishing. Keeping the day-to-day smooth was hard enough, but stuff I dearly wished could have been outsourced – the denied insurance claims and collections – began to multiply and stack. At least my fantasies changed from killing patients to an office space sporting a computer made this century (I was on a temperamental Campaq Presario running Windows 98 – not even Windows ME, mind you), and ditto for the office software (a DOS program running in a Window). The siren call of automating many of my chores. Internet? What’s that?

And the doctor’s wife was diagnosed with MS a couple of years ago. His insurance doesn’t cover her medicine. So we were going to have to stay open more days a month to get the jack for that.

So. Ten hour days were the norm. I would come home, collapse at the dinner table – and God bless my wife, who was no less exhausted, for cooking dinner – clean up, and head to my computer to let off steam until it was time for bed. Up at sunrise the next day, go back, Jack, and do it again, wheel turning round and round.

But I was making enough money to pay the bills and still have a little left over, which is extraordinary enough. I would look at the piles of paperwork and consider coming in a day off and getting some of it whittled down, but the portion of my brain in charge of sanity would veto that, almost immediately.

Yeah, I still hated the job, and told myself that likely 95% of all Americans feel the same about their jobs. Now go to the office and do your job, slacker.

Now in all this – and much drama and fireworks at the school my wife runs – two of our friends, who had bought into a time-share in Orlando, told us there was no way they were making it this year, and offered my family their week in the summer. It came with two Disneyworld tickets, and they threw in a third for my son, who was ringbearer at their wedding.

Trips to Disneyworld for your family do not fall into your lap every day, or even every year… or decade. We began putting aside money for plane tickets, and meals. I wheeled and dealed my way into a few days off in July. Not easy, as the doc always shuts down the office in the last part of July for his family vacation. But he was a decent sort, and I think the grind was getting to him, as well. It was agreed that though my wife and son would be flying to Orlando on Sunday, I would be in the office Monday and Tuesday, and fly up early Wednesday morning.

Sunday morning started ill enough. Driving to the airport before sunrise, I was pulled over by a constable, read the riot act, and ticketed for violating a law of which I was unaware; considering I first saw him ticketing a car on the tollway, and saw him doing the same on my return trip… well, my thoughts were distinctly uncharitable, especially for a Sunday. Good thing I’m not a churchgoer. I might have been in trouble.

Then worked the Monday and Tuesday, which were made a little lighter by knowing I was about to go away for five days, and a little heavier by knowing that the Monday I returned would be hellacious. The office would be closed in my absence, and I knew that the “emergencies” that would wait until someone could talk to a human on the phone Monday morning would be staggering.

Speaking of emergencies: one that was scheduled for the very last slot, at 5 PM on Tuesday, did not show. Oddly, the doctor’s wife and his niece-in-law showed up at the office and hung around. Ah, well, I had instruments to set up and an office to prep for a five-day closure. The doctor announced he was tired of waiting for the patient, and left at 5:30.

Which was the point at which the doctor’s wife handed me a check and informed me that my services were no longer required.

There is, as you would imagine, a moment of complete unreality. There had been no mention of dissatisfaction with my work. If anything, the last two days had been quite amiable. The doctor was a far better actor than I would have thought.

After wondering for a second what the punch line to this obvious joke might be, I realized this might, indeed, be serious. “So I guess this is my severance check?”

“That’s right.”

A pause. “Why didn’t he say anything to me about this?”

“Because he doesn’t have the balls.”

It was explained that it wasn’t me, you see. It was the cost of her medicine. So the niece was taking over my position.

I spent the next fifteen minutes getting all my stuff out. My laptop and spare power supply (because dammit we needed my ability to leech off a nearby restaurant’s wireless access to Google stuff occasionally), about a hundred CDs (radio sucks in Houston), my calendar, photo of my wife and kid, and the lucky bamboo I had nurtured into a small shrub. I occasionally remember something I left, like some Lean Pockets in the freezer, a spare inhaler, an extra vial of plant food. Oh, well.

The Happiest Place on Earth had its work cut out, in my case, I tell you what.

So that’s where I’ve been, best beloved. I admit, I had nothing nice to say about the Hated Job, but the money was okay. Looking for work is, as a wise man once said, way more work than I want to do for a living. I hold out hope that the next job will be slightly less hateful.

And hey, I’ve got time to bitch on the Internets again. Lucky, lucky you.

The Show in Particular

The commute to the theater turned out to be a 71 mile round trip, which I began to make six days out of seven. One snag is that it was only 71 miles if I used a toll road, which totaled nine bucks per day in tolls. Texas Rep did provide a weekly travel stipend, which almost took care of the tolls.

But here’s the other thing which was amazing about the Texas Rep: in stark contrast to other small pro theaters I’ve worked with in the area, I was paid for the rehearsals, as well as for the performances. All told, with tolls and rising gasoline prices, I probably broke even – and when you’re playing Van Helsing, breaking even is certainly good enough.

Though grueling – leaving the Hated Job to go straight to rehearsal or performance for over a month – the overall experience of Dracula was so overwhelmingly positive, I would love to work there again as soon as possible… or at least once I was was feeling halfway rested again.

The professionalism on display at the Texas Rep was impressive. I was likely the oldest member of a young cast – I passed the half-century mark during final dress – and I never had the experience (which I’ve had so many times) of looking at one of my fellow actors and thinking, “What the hell is that person doing on stage?”

Actually, the actor playing Renfield, Jeff Lane, lags only a few years behind me. He, along with the director, Steven Fenley, were members with me in the Main Street Theater company back in the late 80s, early 90s. And Jeff was one of the ill-fated actors in a move called Forever Evil. And yet, with over 20 years of knowing each other, we had never acted in a show together.

The Show in General

So there I was in September; things were fairly on-track for once. I had actually started updating The Bad Movie Report (two months in a row – woo!), kept up 50 Foot DVD, was entering into a new writing contract for a video game, so naturally, something had to come along and disrupt things.

In this case, it was a phone call one Saturday afternoon, from a fellow named Steve Fenley. I had worked in the Main Street Theater company with Steve back in the 90s, and I knew he had started a new theater in Northwest Houston. Now, I had pretty much absented myself from the stage for several years, albeit filling in at the eleventh hour for an old friend who’d had to fire an actor, and web project that I am assured will see the light of day “soon” – but I had, more or less, retired myself. Though I pondered returning, off and on.

The phone call concerned their upcoming production of Dracula, for which they looking for someone old enough and possessing – this is Steve’s wording – the gravitas to pull off the role.

Now, I had been contacted well over a year before by the same theater for a peach of a role in The Fantasticks; I had begged off citing the distance I’d have to commute each day.

This time they got smarter. They offered me Van Helsing.

Every actor has a list of roles they want to play. Van Helsing has been high on my list for… well, ever. So long that back when I was in college in the late ’70s, and the drama department produced the Hamilton Deane version, I was crestfallen when the director decided Van Helsing should be played by a woman.

Texas Rep was doing a newer stage version, one written by Steven Dietz, who is, according to sources, the “most produced playwright in America”. Given I’ve only done three shows this year, and two were by Dietz, I believe this might actually be correct.

So, I waited a few seconds, to pretend to be thinking about it, and said “Yes.”

More later. For now I inflict upon you a photo of Van Helsing’s opening scene, in which he reads the letter from Dr. Seward begging him to come to London to treat Lucy Westenra, a letter containing phrases such as “You have an absolutely open mind, an iron nerve, a temper of ice, an indomitable resolution, and the kindest and noblest heart that beats. These things provide the equipment for the noble work which you are doing for the good of mankind.” The photo is taken as Van Helsing turns to audience and says, “I, for one, would love to meet the man young Dr. Seward describes.”

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

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Now playing: Ray Wylie Hubbard – Screw You, We’re from Texas
via FoxyTunes

Thin Edge of the Wedge Dept.

Yes, I’ve been gone. Yes, I’ve been excoriated for same. Yes, I have a doctor’s excuse. (Mine)

I come to you now while the boss’ back is turned to point out this troublesome news item:

Police to Search for Guns in Homes.

Warrantless searches. In “high crime areas”. If there is not a hue and cry about this idea, I quit. The terrorists won. Actually, they won quite some time ago, but people need to be reminded of that fact.

More later, including why I’ve been gone.
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Now playing: Project Pitchfork – A Cell
via FoxyTunes

On the Saving of Asses

My new chair arrived last Friday. My ass is saved, quite literally, thanks to a kindly contribution from the Stomp Tokyo foundation, a gift which which took care of the shipping and handling and allowed me to get to a comfortable place much sooner. The downside to that is I no longer had an excuse to finish watching the Boris Karloff non-thriller Voodoo Island, of which I am still attempting a rational critique for the Bad Movie Report.

Other fun involves August, one of the busiest months of the year for dentistry (and likely. other healthcare-type places). A week’s scheduled downtime was truncated, leading to much bitterness on my part, and the writing of this blog at work. In between telling people that no, the doctor will not put off his trip so they can have their teeth cleaned. Well, really, the doctor might, but the front office ain’t.

Okay, real reason for bitching: last Friday, before my chair arrived and my ass was still aching, I got dressed and was heading out to work to find my nine-year-old son watching the morning news, and he told me, “Bad news. Hurricane Dean is going to hit us.”

“How? Last night it was even near the Bahamas.”

“Well, they don’t know…”

“Exactly. They don’t know. Stop borrowing trouble, we have enough.”

I got back from work and started assembling my chair; Eyewitness news was on once again, and the talking points went to, “What sort of damage will result when Hurricane Dean hits Houston?” Not ifwhen. News stories themselves included the word “if”, but none of the lead-ins did.

As a lifelong Texan, I know a bit about tracking hurricanes. The Information Age makes it a little more convenient – I check the Central Florida Hurricane Center daily, which gives me access to all available tracking models. Which is good, since the usual avenues for tracking information seem to be more interested in saying “Everybody PANIC!!!” more than giving me actual coordinates.

Upshot, as I write this, waiting impatiently for the start of my shortened vacation: Dean is between the Yucatan peninsula and Mexico. When Eyewitness News was drooling over the ratings cornucopia of Irwin Allen-type natural disaster, the models showed the northern most track to lead to Northern Mexico – or, as we call it in the cartography trade, “Not Houston”.

I was eventually angry enough to switch the TV over to, God help me, Wheel of Fortune rather than endure one more spouting of sensationalism. There’s a reason I don’t watch TV much anymore, and I am possessed of a powerful urge, should I run into any member of Eyewitness News in the street, to punch them in the nuts. And should it be a female member of the staff, to go even deeper into debt to have testicles surgically attached, so I can punch them.

Gathering and distributing the news used to be a sacred trust. As Criswell used to say, “God help us all… in the future.”

Another Reason I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Deal with The Public

“I need to make an appointment for my son, for cleaning and check-up, this Friday.”

“I’m sorry, but school starts on the 27th, so we’ve been swamped. Basically, August was booked up in July.”

“He’s got a cavity. Could you get him in then?”

“Ma’am, I couldn’t get him in if his head was ripped off.”

Boooooring

Nothing to relate. I yet live, although my aged computer chair attempted to murder me by actually snapping in twain. I currently sit in a wooden dining room chair while playing solitaire – excuse me, while I’m working – and I am having Andrew Borntreger/New Orleans Worst Film Festival flashbacks: “I CAN’T….FEEL… MY ASS!!!!!”

Still awaiting that wondrous first writing check which will reinstate my broadband and buy a new, more ass-friendly chair. These things are important.