Fearmongering. Again. Must be Hurricane Season.

We had our pre-Parade meeting yesterday. This Saturday the City of Stafford will be holding their annual 4th of July Parade (which is, I realize, not the 4th at all, but that’s just the way it goes). Work assignments were hashed out, crew calls, that sort of thing. Like most large enterprises, this thing starting eating its own tail fairly quickly, as things were repeated and confirmed, and then repeated; but the worst thing for me that kept getting repeated was, “But what about the hurricane?”

In case you’re not in Texas or Mexico: Hurricane Alex will be making landfall sometime early tomorrow morning in Mexico, or what cartographers (and people who can read maps) refer to as NOT HOUSTON (sometimes “Nowhere Even F@#king Close”). This has not stopped local news media from addressing the storm’s approach with all the excitement and rapturous verbiage of a cheeseburger commercial. My friend Rick pointed out that local weathermen are relying more and more on infra-red photos of the storm complex because they make it look BIGGER and even MORE MENACING. According to those, we got hit with outlying bands of heavy rain last night, because we’re on “the dirty side of the storm”.

SPOILER ALERT: We didn’t.

DEAR GOD THIS IS OBVIOUSLY US ON SATURDAY AAAAAAAAAAA

This hasn’t stopped normally sane people from being tipped over into panic by breathless pronunciations. There is a chance that the Parade will be rained out, and I will lose out on some of my overtime. But there are precisely two chances of it being called on account of Hurricane Alex: slim, and nil. As ever, when somebody starts babbling to me about the approaching watery doom, I click on The Central Florida Hurricane Center and, if necessary, click over to their awesome array of maps and forecasts. This is what hurricane tracking should be: sane and scientific. I have found you can no longer rely on getting either from the news media.

In short, to paraphrase the emperor Caligula, I wish the creature the news media has become had a single throat, and I had my hands around it. Some idiot made the decision years ago that the news had to operate as a profit center, and desperate outlets rely on reporting rumors, unfounded attacks, mere surmise and outright fearmongering as news in order to get ratings and page views. It’s not a game I am even remotely interested in playing anymore – if in fact I ever was. Having been told the last ten years how afraid I am supposed to be, I am apparently going to spend the next ten years wondering how disgusted I’m going to be.

Oh, and safety tip? If you start grunting to me about the “lamestream media” expecting me to nod in approval, I am going to punch you in the neck. That’s something you picked up from said media, and you’re part of the problem.

Or, to put it in MySpace terms – Today’s Mood: Acrimonious.

Too Much Time on Their Hands

Hurm. Didn’t mean for yesterday’s post to turn into a mini-rant, but it did. Which leads to an analysis of why it did. What I meant to be an amusing anecdote became a full-blown complaint, and you know who I blame? Internet comments.

To put it in purely geek terms, conversations are the internet comments you can’t ignore, and you should  always ignore internet comments. Yet, like that extremely vocal argument taking place across the street, you just can’t resist glancing over, can you? Taking just one peek. Maybe something interesting will happen; but no, like comments threads, it is usually merely tawdry and depressing.

If you want your nose rubbed in exactly how stupid, crass and uninspiring the bulk of the human race can be, all you need to do is look underneath any YouTube video. The most saintly among us would be rationalizing euthanasia within five comments.

To digress slightly – yeah, I know, big surprise – I made the mistake a few times of clicking “Everyone Near You” on UberTwitter, my Crackberry’s Twitter app, and, to quote Goering, that’s when I reach for my revolver. Using Trending Topics is equally horrifying. I think it was Kevin Church who had the bright idea to change the Trending Topic locale to Brazil – at least now I can’t understand them, and they can’t hurt me.

Now. To get back to what I was bloviating about: A few months ago, I was looking at some Internet video, or possibly some incredibly complex Lego creation, or… well, it wasn’t this video, but it was something like it:

I think you can imagine what the comments ran to, and I am going to admit that I have been guilty of trotting this one out far too often: “Somebody had way too much time on their hands.”

The difference is – and here is one of those instances when, like the argument across the street, I looked and something interesting did happen – this time somebody had a good rejoinder, to the effect of “Why do people say things like that, and always when something creative is involved?”

And they’re right. Alex Varanese didn’t do that animation in just a few minutes. It took time, and the patience of a thousand monks. Were I my former, relentlessly negative self, I would opine that a better reply would be, “That’s right, he had time on his hands, and he didn’t use it watching American Idol or sitting on his fat ass staring at a computer monitor and taking pointless evil potshots under cover of anonymity like you, you worthless piece of—

Well, as I say, I’m not like that anymore (though I can certainly fantasize about it. Just like I fantasize tracking every idiot down on “Everyone Near You” and smashing their smartphones to dust with a ballpeen hammer. I’m not that guy anymore). But that one comment, that was truth.  Every time I had said “Somebody had way too much time on their hands,” I was probably motivated by jealousy, in one way or another. And it was just plain wrong to be so dismissive of someone else’s work, to trivialize it as something some idiot did while they were bored.

So I’ve been working to remove that phrase from my vocabulary, and for what it’s worth, I think that’s where my sturm and my drang over “I gave up on that <arbitrary amount of time> ago” came from yesterday.

The bandages have been removed. Can you see?

In order to keep up my streak of handing over entire paychecks to corporations, I did that very thing last Friday with Verizon, attempting to get my phone and Internet turned back on. (For those that are confused: during the Recent Troubles, both were shut off so those monies could instead be funneled to the mortgage company and keep a roof over heads, so that it can be blown off by this year’s Killer Hurricanes, or so the media tells me. As ever, for sanity in hurricane reporting, I rely on the Central Florida Hurricane Center.)

Where was I before this spiralled into pointless bitching (now there’s a cogent blog title…)? Oh yes. I was setting up some pointless bitching. Well, our account had been inactive for so long, our old number had been released, blahblah blah, and after about 45 minutes I had arranged for a new account which I was told “will be up on Tuesday the 1st, because there’s a holiday, you know.” As I am attempting to be a more positive person, I did not snarl, “Yes, I know, because I am going to be home alone all day in a very quiet house!” No, there was no need for that. I had books to read. Laundry to do. It’s cool, man, it’s cool.

Well. Called the new number early yesterday morning, and it rang, and I got the robotic message from the online voice mail. Didn’t ring at my house, though, which I thought was a bit odd, but within the realm of possibility, different switches to throw, that sort of thing. Until the same thing happened when I got home. A call to the Home Office got me the Repair Service, whose tools said it seemed to be a problem with the wires outside my house, and it would be fixed by 5pm today.

I got up this morning, got a dial tone, and I’m back online. Hell, if I’d known that was all it took, I’d have taken an early nap last night.

So, yay. I am connected again, just in time to go to work and leave my sparkling new connectivity behind. I’ve got a lot of things to square away, such as finally updating the OS on the Crackberry (please let it fix that annoying browser bug, please please please), and… other stuff. I’m sure. First though, since The Boy is out on Summer Vacation, I’m going to have to dynamite him from in front of the computer.

So yeah, I feel a little ashamed of using the photo here to add a little visual pizazz to the ol’ blog entry, when overall I’m pretty satisfied. But then again, I was very, very depressed last night, and feel like lashing out. You don’t want me embedding any more clips from the Paul Lynde Halloween Special, now, do you?

Bah, etc.

The last time a hurricane came through, I rented. Now that I’m a homeowner, a whole new universe of tedium and anger has opened up for me. Though we were told an insurance adjuster would be in contact with us within 24 hours, it was actually more like a week. A week later, I attempted to get an estimate from him to see how it matches up with the figures I’m getting from contractors, and was told that it would not be ready for another week. I still have a tree down in my back yard, resting on my neighbor’s roof, and have resorted to trying to raise the money on my own to get it removed – not an easy thing when you’re unemployed.

As a somewhat un-hurricane related aside: I really hate that I only seem to write here when I have something to complain about – but when things are going alright in my life, good God, am I boring.

I also feel compelled to mention that yes, I am lucky. My house still stands. I got power back relatively early. My discomfiture stems from the fact that the pressure that I am experiencing is not being felt by the people in charge of alleviating that pressure.

I recognize they are busy. I am not the only one with problems in this area. That still does not help – it only makes me feel more petty.

Yet another contractor arrives within the hour. I will attempt to restrain my enthusiasm.

While you’re making other plans

When last we left our hero, he had just finished a very nice production of Dracula, and felt better of himself in every way. Could a return to the theater be possible? Was life looking up? Would he stop hating his job?

Well… no.

In fact, just after Christmas, we lost our third dental assistant in a year and a half. I pitched in where I could, while the doctor ruminated. Then he told me that the woman I had replaced back in 2005 did front and back office work, and he paid her commensurately. Would that interest me?

Well. More money is always good.

The combo duties were tiring, to be sure. I was in constant motion and constantly re-prioritizing. With only two operatories, each had to be cleaned after use. I found I got a lot more job satisfaction out of sterilizing instruments than I did making appointments and arguing with insurance companies. No surprise there.

But it made the job wear on me even more. The B and C priorities had a way of stacking up, and when the summer craziness hit – and it always does in the healthcare biz, apparently – things were getting punishing. Keeping the day-to-day smooth was hard enough, but stuff I dearly wished could have been outsourced – the denied insurance claims and collections – began to multiply and stack. At least my fantasies changed from killing patients to an office space sporting a computer made this century (I was on a temperamental Campaq Presario running Windows 98 – not even Windows ME, mind you), and ditto for the office software (a DOS program running in a Window). The siren call of automating many of my chores. Internet? What’s that?

And the doctor’s wife was diagnosed with MS a couple of years ago. His insurance doesn’t cover her medicine. So we were going to have to stay open more days a month to get the jack for that.

So. Ten hour days were the norm. I would come home, collapse at the dinner table – and God bless my wife, who was no less exhausted, for cooking dinner – clean up, and head to my computer to let off steam until it was time for bed. Up at sunrise the next day, go back, Jack, and do it again, wheel turning round and round.

But I was making enough money to pay the bills and still have a little left over, which is extraordinary enough. I would look at the piles of paperwork and consider coming in a day off and getting some of it whittled down, but the portion of my brain in charge of sanity would veto that, almost immediately.

Yeah, I still hated the job, and told myself that likely 95% of all Americans feel the same about their jobs. Now go to the office and do your job, slacker.

Now in all this – and much drama and fireworks at the school my wife runs – two of our friends, who had bought into a time-share in Orlando, told us there was no way they were making it this year, and offered my family their week in the summer. It came with two Disneyworld tickets, and they threw in a third for my son, who was ringbearer at their wedding.

Trips to Disneyworld for your family do not fall into your lap every day, or even every year… or decade. We began putting aside money for plane tickets, and meals. I wheeled and dealed my way into a few days off in July. Not easy, as the doc always shuts down the office in the last part of July for his family vacation. But he was a decent sort, and I think the grind was getting to him, as well. It was agreed that though my wife and son would be flying to Orlando on Sunday, I would be in the office Monday and Tuesday, and fly up early Wednesday morning.

Sunday morning started ill enough. Driving to the airport before sunrise, I was pulled over by a constable, read the riot act, and ticketed for violating a law of which I was unaware; considering I first saw him ticketing a car on the tollway, and saw him doing the same on my return trip… well, my thoughts were distinctly uncharitable, especially for a Sunday. Good thing I’m not a churchgoer. I might have been in trouble.

Then worked the Monday and Tuesday, which were made a little lighter by knowing I was about to go away for five days, and a little heavier by knowing that the Monday I returned would be hellacious. The office would be closed in my absence, and I knew that the “emergencies” that would wait until someone could talk to a human on the phone Monday morning would be staggering.

Speaking of emergencies: one that was scheduled for the very last slot, at 5 PM on Tuesday, did not show. Oddly, the doctor’s wife and his niece-in-law showed up at the office and hung around. Ah, well, I had instruments to set up and an office to prep for a five-day closure. The doctor announced he was tired of waiting for the patient, and left at 5:30.

Which was the point at which the doctor’s wife handed me a check and informed me that my services were no longer required.

There is, as you would imagine, a moment of complete unreality. There had been no mention of dissatisfaction with my work. If anything, the last two days had been quite amiable. The doctor was a far better actor than I would have thought.

After wondering for a second what the punch line to this obvious joke might be, I realized this might, indeed, be serious. “So I guess this is my severance check?”

“That’s right.”

A pause. “Why didn’t he say anything to me about this?”

“Because he doesn’t have the balls.”

It was explained that it wasn’t me, you see. It was the cost of her medicine. So the niece was taking over my position.

I spent the next fifteen minutes getting all my stuff out. My laptop and spare power supply (because dammit we needed my ability to leech off a nearby restaurant’s wireless access to Google stuff occasionally), about a hundred CDs (radio sucks in Houston), my calendar, photo of my wife and kid, and the lucky bamboo I had nurtured into a small shrub. I occasionally remember something I left, like some Lean Pockets in the freezer, a spare inhaler, an extra vial of plant food. Oh, well.

The Happiest Place on Earth had its work cut out, in my case, I tell you what.

So that’s where I’ve been, best beloved. I admit, I had nothing nice to say about the Hated Job, but the money was okay. Looking for work is, as a wise man once said, way more work than I want to do for a living. I hold out hope that the next job will be slightly less hateful.

And hey, I’ve got time to bitch on the Internets again. Lucky, lucky you.

Thin Edge of the Wedge Dept.

Yes, I’ve been gone. Yes, I’ve been excoriated for same. Yes, I have a doctor’s excuse. (Mine)

I come to you now while the boss’ back is turned to point out this troublesome news item:

Police to Search for Guns in Homes.

Warrantless searches. In “high crime areas”. If there is not a hue and cry about this idea, I quit. The terrorists won. Actually, they won quite some time ago, but people need to be reminded of that fact.

More later, including why I’ve been gone.
—————-
Now playing: Project Pitchfork – A Cell
via FoxyTunes

On the Saving of Asses

My new chair arrived last Friday. My ass is saved, quite literally, thanks to a kindly contribution from the Stomp Tokyo foundation, a gift which which took care of the shipping and handling and allowed me to get to a comfortable place much sooner. The downside to that is I no longer had an excuse to finish watching the Boris Karloff non-thriller Voodoo Island, of which I am still attempting a rational critique for the Bad Movie Report.

Other fun involves August, one of the busiest months of the year for dentistry (and likely. other healthcare-type places). A week’s scheduled downtime was truncated, leading to much bitterness on my part, and the writing of this blog at work. In between telling people that no, the doctor will not put off his trip so they can have their teeth cleaned. Well, really, the doctor might, but the front office ain’t.

Okay, real reason for bitching: last Friday, before my chair arrived and my ass was still aching, I got dressed and was heading out to work to find my nine-year-old son watching the morning news, and he told me, “Bad news. Hurricane Dean is going to hit us.”

“How? Last night it was even near the Bahamas.”

“Well, they don’t know…”

“Exactly. They don’t know. Stop borrowing trouble, we have enough.”

I got back from work and started assembling my chair; Eyewitness news was on once again, and the talking points went to, “What sort of damage will result when Hurricane Dean hits Houston?” Not ifwhen. News stories themselves included the word “if”, but none of the lead-ins did.

As a lifelong Texan, I know a bit about tracking hurricanes. The Information Age makes it a little more convenient – I check the Central Florida Hurricane Center daily, which gives me access to all available tracking models. Which is good, since the usual avenues for tracking information seem to be more interested in saying “Everybody PANIC!!!” more than giving me actual coordinates.

Upshot, as I write this, waiting impatiently for the start of my shortened vacation: Dean is between the Yucatan peninsula and Mexico. When Eyewitness News was drooling over the ratings cornucopia of Irwin Allen-type natural disaster, the models showed the northern most track to lead to Northern Mexico – or, as we call it in the cartography trade, “Not Houston”.

I was eventually angry enough to switch the TV over to, God help me, Wheel of Fortune rather than endure one more spouting of sensationalism. There’s a reason I don’t watch TV much anymore, and I am possessed of a powerful urge, should I run into any member of Eyewitness News in the street, to punch them in the nuts. And should it be a female member of the staff, to go even deeper into debt to have testicles surgically attached, so I can punch them.

Gathering and distributing the news used to be a sacred trust. As Criswell used to say, “God help us all… in the future.”

Another Reason I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Deal with The Public

“I need to make an appointment for my son, for cleaning and check-up, this Friday.”

“I’m sorry, but school starts on the 27th, so we’ve been swamped. Basically, August was booked up in July.”

“He’s got a cavity. Could you get him in then?”

“Ma’am, I couldn’t get him in if his head was ripped off.”

And then he starts talking about animals, for pete’s sake

Well that was a week that I’m glad I won’t have to relive at any point. Not too horrible, but certainly not good, either. It’s not an easy thing to work for one of the few dentists in the area that’s open on Fridays; it’s even worse when that Friday is jump-off for Memorial Day, n’est ce pas? I really resented coming back from lunch, and the fact that everyone seemingly waited until that point to call with their “emergencies”.

Oh, yeah, the lady who “just noticed that her bridge came out” (“just noticed”? How the hell-?) and was most pointedly not a patient of record, but for whom we were closer, and I got the dentist and the assistant to stay, and we finally gave up on at twenty minutes past quitting time: screw you.

Since you did not call to say you were running late, or you were not going to make it at all, and deprived me of the chance of telling you this in person, I’ll just go ahead and use the Internet: Screw. You.

Because I have any number of people who come through the office and are friendly, courteous and reasonable, but because inconsiderate idiots like you are the only ones I remember, through some unfortunate quirk in my mental makeup: Screw. You.

And rest assured: my memory is long. There are still people in my third grade class that are going to pay.

Astrologically speaking, I am told there are three incarnations of the sign Scorpio: the Grey Lizard, the Scorpion, and the Eagle. The Scorpion stings its enemies repeatedly, viciously, then moves on. The Grey Lizard seethes and plots vengeance, hatred and anger eating at its gut and leeching the world of color. The eagle, of course, is confident in its superiority and soars over it all. I have been the Eagle at times; but under current circumstances, I’m feeling pretty damn reptilian.

Tomorrow Lisa and I will be going to see the touring company of Spamalot; that will be interesting, as I usually have two experiences at theatrical shows: either I hate it because it isn’t any good, or I am bitter because it was good and I had nothing to do with it. We will see if a few years of absence – or hell, just a few years, period – will change anything.

First chance in a long time to commiserate with my music, and damned if there isn’t a sort of through-line.

01. Don’t You Know – The Fifth Estate
02. Fox on the Run – Manfred Mann
03. It’s Now or Never – Elvis
04. After the Snow – Modern English
05. Asleep From Day – Chemical Brothers
06. My Blue Heaven – Henri Rene
07. Kaleidoscope – Art of Trance
08. Strange Days – The Doors
09. Too Late to Turn Back Now – Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose
10. Love (Can Make You Happy) – Mercy

Seasons in Hell

Holy mother of pearl, what a wretched couple of weeks. And I’ve not even been enmired in an interesting hell, a hell providing interesting anecdotes, no, it has been a tedious hell full of cars breaking down and workplace meltdowns. So sorry, I had nothing to say, so I didn’t say it.

I actually get a three-day weekend this week, during which I’ll be doing some housecleaning, in an effort to lighten things up on the homefront. For once, the meltdowns weren’t confined to my workplace, and my wife is heavily leaning toward apoplexy.

I guess there was one thing to relate: I totally understand why the US Postal Service jumped up their rates. Since my check to the Water District took over a week to deliver, resulting in my water being shut off, and since my wife’s Mothers Day present, ordered two weeks in advance, arrived the Tuesday after Mother’s Day… obviously, they needed that extra money. Surely everything will be copacetic from now on, especially since I’ll now be motoring the damn water bill over to the district’s night deposit box.

But not for a couple of months, as I was required to pay the supposedly delinquent bill in full, along with the reconnect fee, in cash. And what of my errant check? What happens when it arrives?

“Oh, we’ll credit that to your account.”

“So… I’m paying this bill twice, then.”

“Well, you could look at it that way…”

And oddly enough, I do.

So Jerry Falwell died. That would have been an interesting palaver at the pearly gates- but then, I am a cynical, bitter heathen – which is why I am not completely surprised that Fred Phelps is planning to picket this funeral, too. Read the press release and go “Huh? Whuzzah?”

Surprised, no. Bemused? Probably.